Should I be Posting something Lighter? Sometimes Doing so is Hard. I Never do Know what my Commenters Actually Want to Talk about. For all I Know, there may be some who Come by and when they do, they say. "Oh no! Not that Subject!!" And then they go away and don't ever Come Back. I have a Tendency to Talk about some of the Most Difficult of the Subjects, such as Intelligent Design vs. Evolution and Abortion. I must be a Total Fool to be so Stuck on the Subjects that Cause so much Conflict and Emotion.
The Other Subject that Comes Up from Time to Time is Relationships.
Here's One. God Forgives those who come to Him Asking for Forgiveness, yet so Often we are Expected by those in the Church to Forgive even when no Apology is Given. Is this a Reasonable Thing to Expect of Ourselves? Should People get off Scotch Free Like That? Are our Expectations too High? Is our Anger Unreasonable because it is Based on an Expectation, or have we been Genuinely Mistreated? Is it Really so Wrong to Expect to be Treated with basic Decency by those who we Trust?
And here's Another One. Should we all just Take Responsibility for Our Own Emotions, Including Anger or are there Times in which Anger is Justified and to not Feel that way would be Allowing someone to Take Advantage when they should actually be Confronted? Is Anger Always Wrong?
Also, what if we are Mourning the Lose of Someone and are therefore more Touchy than Usual? Should we Still be Required to Take Responsibility for Our Own Feelings? In such a Situation, is it Really so Unreasonable to Hope for someone to Comfort, rather than Judging us for the Way we Feel, or to Hope for someone to Take us more Seriously, rather than just Stating that what ever Emotions we are Feeling are Our Own Responsibility? Is it just me, or is that Actually a Rather Unkind Thing to say to someone who is Mourning the Loss of Someone?
It Surprises me a Little that this Last Paragraph came out of me just now. I guess it's because my Girl Friend Died just before Thanksgiving about a Year Ago and someone was Treating me Exactly as I just Described and Unfortunately, the Anger Never Fully Went Away.
One Last Question. When it Comes to what ever may have been Wrong with my Own Behavior at the Time, should one's Entire Character be Judged Based on their Behavior During a Time in which they are Mourning the Lose of Someone? Is it Really so much to Ask for a Little Extra Rope During such Times? Yet at the Same Time, is it Really Realistic to Assume that Everything is all my Fault? Is it Even Possible that that is this Person's True Opinion of me? Is it My Fault that my Girl Friend Died and/or that I Feel Sad and even Angry as the Result? Should I Take Responsibility for that as well?
Even though a Considerable Amount of Time has Gone by, My Opinion has not Changed about the Way I was Treated. I Don't Know what to say about this anymore, except that Unfortunately, when a Loved One Dies, Sometimes, we End Up Losing more than just the One who Died.
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15 comments:
"Is Anger Always Wrong?"
Tough question: just raises more questions-
-is the anger justified?
-does the anger hurt oneself..or others?
-is it all consuming?
We know it is a perfectly natural and powerful emotion that exhibits itself almost from birth.
So, no..anger is not always wrong; in many cases it is logical and justifiable. We all experience anger and we all deal with it in different ways, but IMO
it is better to let it out than to absorb it. And it can be difficult sometimes
to let go and move on.
Remember, Jesus was Angry in the Temple. He did not just Let it Go. He Expressed it and it was not just to Get it out of His System either. It was to Get a Message Across to those who Needed to be Confronted.
To Tell Jesus that He Needs to "Take Responsibility for His Own Feelings" would be Ridiculous. That Statement is Nothing more than a Cop Out and is a Very Cruel Guilt Trip Placed on those who are Hurting and when a Person is Suffering from the Loss of a Loved One, it is all that much more Cruel.
Also, the Statement "We all Need to Take Responsibility for Our Own Feelings." is one that Encourages the Absorbing of, whether than Letting Out of One's Feelings.
Sometimes I Feel Angry at God for not Punishing those who are Cruel more than He does, but I Supposed that is another Issue.
No one ever should tell you how to feel, Lista, even if you are not in mourning. Your feelings are your own, you do not need to apologize for the way you feel. If someone is telling you you should feel a certain way, they are totally wrong, and do not let them get to you.
He would Probably Deny that he is Telling me How to Feel. To Tell me to Take Responsibility for how I Feel, though, is a Guilt Game. For that which we are Responsibility for is that which we are either Given Credited for or Blamed for the Outcome of and the Clear Implication is that if we can not Stop Feeling the Way that we do, then it is Our Fault. Yet Some Emotions can not be Helped, Particularly when we are Experiencing the Loss of a Loved One.
This Person was Also Avoiding all Responsibility for Contributing to my Emotions in any Way, though, he was Continually Aggravating my Emotions and Making me Feel Worse than I already was Feeling.
The Result is that all the Anger that I was Feeling in Relation to my Girl Friend's Death was Directed at him, but I do not Apologize for any of that because he was Treating me in a Way in which made him Worthy of all the Anger that he was Receiving.
The Unfortunate Reality is that I Still Sometimes Feel Hatred towards this Person and My Opinion of him is Extremely Low.
I Don't Think I would even Set this Guy up on a Blind Date with my Worst Enemy. That's How Strongly I Feel about how he Hurt me.
That is really terrible, Lista.
When my mom was sick and dealing with her cancer I moved down to stay with her for almost 4 months. She was absolutely hateful and actually abusive.
I excused it and put up with it day after day because I knew she was sick and not feeling well and angry about the situation and terrified suddenly dealing with her own mentality, but on the other hand she was tearing me up to the point I ended up rather over-thoroughly medicated. I just couldn't deal with the nonstop abuse. I was crying on the phone to my husband every night.
Now, she has every right to be scared and angry and feeling horrible and all of that. The point where it became wrong, in my opinion, was in tearing me to shreds. I was there to help her, drove her to radiation 5d/wk, worked a 12 hour job and still got her to every doctor's appointment she had. I did every single thing I could because that's what you do for family. But I paid for it dearly with the beatdown I took.
Her feelings were legit, but to bludgeon me into a pulp wasn't. It just wasn't. She took every bit of it out on me.
A day or two before I was ready to leave, she started in on me one night and I absolutely stopped her in her tracks and told her that the beatings were over.. that I understood and had made excuses for her all this time but now that she was past that and in recovery that there were no more excuses and it had to stop. I wasn't playing.
She sat down and cried.
So in my personal experience, feelings just are, they're not right or wrong.. what you do with them is. Emotions don't need to have 'responsibility' taken for them, but the actions that come as a result of those emotions do. That's just my personal opinion.
Thanks Beth.
I Liked your Comment, Satyavati, and it is quite Insightful. I Felt Really Bad about the Fact that I did not Seem to Have much Control Over my Emotions, at Least not anywhere Near as much as I would have Liked to. This Post is Actually Rather Sad and the Events that have Inspired it are Sad. I Wish I had not Gone Through this, but it Happened and Unfortunately it is Still a Part of me.
I'm Going to be Quite Busy now Until After Thanksgiving, so I don't Know how Often I will be Checking my Blog, but I want to Thank all of you for Commenting.
As for your Mom, Satyavati. It is Better to Cry than to Lash Out, which your Mother Finally Did. And it is Better to Confront, rather than Take it, even though the Result is sometimes Tears. I'll Think About how that Relates to my Above Post Later, when I have more Time.
That story is very sad, Saty, seems like your mom took her anger at the cancer out on you. Is she still living? Are you on good terms now, or did the experience end up breaking your relationship apart?
Sorry about the Delay, Beth, Especially since you were Addressing Saty. That is the One Draw Back of Comment Moderation. If I'm Away from the Computer too Long, the Comments get Held Up in Moderation Longer than they should be. Oh well.
To all,
I Think that the Main Point of this Post is that there is a Limit to how much a Person can Take Responsibility for their Own Emotions and I Feel another Post on this Subject Coming On.
Perhaps I should have Cried more and Lashed Out Less with the Person who I Posted about above. This is just Hard to do when the Amount of Comfort Offered is so Minimal and it is also Hard, as well as Inadvisable, to Cry In Front of a Control Freak, which is another Description of who this Person is.
Sometimes we can be Angered by Something as Simple as Neglect, when we Feel Emotionally Needy, which Brings me to Yet another Subject.
This Person also believes that One Way to Take Responsibility for Our Own Emotions and Prevent our own Pain, is by not Expecting, yet I Explained to him that in Order to Trust, we do Expect. That is, we Expect that that which we are Trusting in will Happen as we are Trusting that it will.
To Trust is to Expect and to not Expect is to not Trust. Therefore, to Suggest that the Way to Avoid Pain is to not Expect is Essentially the Same as Saying that the Way to Avoid Pain is to not Trust and yet to not Trust Carries with it the Consequence of not being able to ever Get Close to anyone. So you see, the Philosophy of this Person is Completely Off and to Apply the Solutions that he Suggests Leads to Emptiness, not Joy.
She's doing all right, ended up with a colostomy and refused to quit smoking but I've said all I'm going to say to her about that.. we talk about once a week (she lives 200 miles away) and I just sent her 50 roses for her birthday that arrived on her doorstep just after she left to drive 200 miles to my sister's house for a long weekend...
She still kicks my ass if she gets a chance, but she knows that if I have to I'll draw the line.
Satyavati,
Perhaps your Mother was not the Only One who was in Pain and it was Wrong for her to not See that you were Hurting too.
Finding the Balance between Confrontation and Mercy is sometimes not an Easy Task. Every Situation is Different and what a Person can and can not Handle is Going to be Different in each Situation. This is True of the One Being Mistreated and the One who is Dishing Out the Abuse.
Regardless of the Situation, when we are Dealing with more than we can Take, sometimes Confrontation is the Only Option that Makes Sense. When we are in Error, though, is when what we can Take, we Refuse to and we Lay the Entire Burden of the Situation on the Other Person. This is not Love, but Selfishness and in Every Situation, the One who is Selfish and the One who is Simply Trying to Personally Endure the best that one can will be Different.
I guess I should also mention that the beatings and the asskickings were emotional, not physical.. she didn't have the strength for that, lol, and it's not her style anyway... but it was just as bad if not worse.
I was never really resentful about it afterwards because I did know that she was just taking it out on me.. after it was over I didn't stew on it or take it personally.. it was just while it was going on and I had no way to get away from it that it made me crazy.
Hi Satyavati,
I'm Glad to hear that you and your Mom are Ok. Too Bad about the 50 Roses that she was not there to Receive.
I Think the Reason Why the Incident that this Post is About Still bothers me is because I Wonder if he is Going to Treat Someone else the Same way and yet there is nothing at all that I can do about it. This Frustrates me and Makes me Feel Sad.
hey Lista...Sometimes, we End Up Losing more than just the One who Died. ..I can surely relate to that one girl..Hope u had a lovely holiday weekend!(hugs)
Thanks so much, Angel.
I did have a Good Holiday even though it was Only my Husband and I and my Father-in-Law. I Missed doing a Thanksgiving Post and have been Feeling a Little Bad about it Cause I really am Grateful. Above all, I'm Grateful for my Health and also for a Husband that is Willing to Put Up with me and who Allows me a Considerable Amount of Freedom, rather than Trying to Control my Life the Way some Men do.
And of Course I'm Very Grateful for my Friends. Thanks again for Dropping By.
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