Forgiveness is talked about a lot in the churches, yet my struggle was significant enough that I kept saying, "You know what? It's just not as simple as that." Forgiveness actually involves a little bit of a healing process and can often take a little time. It just plain doesn't happen over night.
Here is a poem that I wrote once when I was feeling angry.
Calm the Anger in my Heart
Calm the anger in my heart. Help me to release it unto You.
Pry my fingers from their grasp.
Help me to know You know the way.
Calm the anger in my heart. Show me hope that You are there.
You're the one who changes hearts. Help me, let You do it, Lord.
(Chorus)
What can I do, when the trust has gone away?
What do I do, with the hurt that still remains?
I give it to You, Lord. Heal my pain and make me love.
Calm the anger in my heart. Help me to see Your guiding hand.
Let me cry my tears to You. Heal me Lord and show the way.
Calm the anger in my heart. Help me to see the other’s pain.
Help me feel compassion, Lord. Ease my hurt and show me how.
(Chorus)
What can I do, when the trust has gone away?
What do I do, with the hurt that still remains?
I give it to You, Lord. Heal my pain and make me love.
Calm the anger in my heart. Please forgive me, Lord, I pray.
Help me to confront some one in love,
Yet not until You’ve calmed my angry heart.
Calm the anger in my heart. Take the pain, Lord, heal me now.
Take the tears and cleanse me, Lord.
Help me to let go and trust You, Lord.
A lot of what I have to say about anger is reflected in the poem. Anger involves more than just anger and lack of forgiveness. It also involves hurt; sometimes very deep hurt; and quite often there are trust issues, so to simply say, "You need to let go and forgive that person." does not address all of the issues.
Only God can fully heal us of our hurts and help us to love again and letting go of anger involves healing and therefore also tears.
Another thing that helps is the understanding that we all have areas of our life in which we feel pain. Even the ones that we are angry with have things in their life that cause them pain. In our own humanness, it is extremely difficult to see this because we are so caught up in our own pain that it is nearly impossible for us to imagine that that "horrible monster" that we are angry at feels any pain, or for that matter feels anything at all. Trying to see things from the other person's perspective is extremely difficult on a purely human level and most of us have mental blocks that prevent us from seeing the point of view of someone who has hurt us.
Sometimes too, there are issues of trust. Just because we have chosen to not trust someone does not mean that we have not forgiven them. It is foolish to not do what is necessary to protect oneself from further harm and unfortunately, lack of trust will usually change the relationship, yet trust is something that must be earned and once it is broken, it must be earned back. This is not an issue of lack of forgiveness. It is simply the natural result of broken trust.
The last concept in this poem is the possible need for confrontation. If the person who has caused the pain is someone that we care about, it will probably be necessary to tell that person how we feel, yet this should not be done in anger. Sometimes we need to ask God for help in this one, because it is really hard to express deep hurt without including anger. Anger, though, only begets more anger and accomplishes nothing, just as the Bible says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1, NIV).
Another very important thing to remember is that it is only God who can truly change hearts. Just as it is God who can help us to let go of the anger, it is also God who can change the hearts of those who have hurt us, yet in order for this to happen, the other person also needs to turn to God for help and this is a healing process, so we need to be patient.
Lastly, and unfortunately, quite often we never do get the apology that we were hoping for. This is what makes forgiveness even more difficult and the trust may also never be restored. Sometimes there can even be a rift in the friendship that will never be healed, so the most unfortunate and sad reality is that sometimes the process of forgiveness can result not in reconciliation, but actually letting go, not only of the anger, but of the relationship as well, or perhaps of what you hoped the relationship could be. This is the part of the puzzle that I struggled with for so long and wasn't willing to accept.
Pry my fingers from their grasp.
Help me to know You know the way.
Calm the anger in my heart. Show me hope that You are there.
You're the one who changes hearts. Help me, let You do it, Lord.
(Chorus)
What can I do, when the trust has gone away?
What do I do, with the hurt that still remains?
I give it to You, Lord. Heal my pain and make me love.
Calm the anger in my heart. Help me to see Your guiding hand.
Let me cry my tears to You. Heal me Lord and show the way.
Calm the anger in my heart. Help me to see the other’s pain.
Help me feel compassion, Lord. Ease my hurt and show me how.
(Chorus)
What can I do, when the trust has gone away?
What do I do, with the hurt that still remains?
I give it to You, Lord. Heal my pain and make me love.
Calm the anger in my heart. Please forgive me, Lord, I pray.
Help me to confront some one in love,
Yet not until You’ve calmed my angry heart.
Calm the anger in my heart. Take the pain, Lord, heal me now.
Take the tears and cleanse me, Lord.
Help me to let go and trust You, Lord.
(Chorus)
What can I do, when the trust has gone away?
What do I do, with the hurt that still remains?
What can I do, when the trust has gone away?
What do I do, with the hurt that still remains?
I give it to You, Lord. Heal my pain and make me love.
A lot of what I have to say about anger is reflected in the poem. Anger involves more than just anger and lack of forgiveness. It also involves hurt; sometimes very deep hurt; and quite often there are trust issues, so to simply say, "You need to let go and forgive that person." does not address all of the issues.
Only God can fully heal us of our hurts and help us to love again and letting go of anger involves healing and therefore also tears.
Another thing that helps is the understanding that we all have areas of our life in which we feel pain. Even the ones that we are angry with have things in their life that cause them pain. In our own humanness, it is extremely difficult to see this because we are so caught up in our own pain that it is nearly impossible for us to imagine that that "horrible monster" that we are angry at feels any pain, or for that matter feels anything at all. Trying to see things from the other person's perspective is extremely difficult on a purely human level and most of us have mental blocks that prevent us from seeing the point of view of someone who has hurt us.
We also have such a strong tendency to hang on to anger. It is not at all easy to let go of. I know. I've most definitely been there, yet God can help to break through the issues in our heart and help us to release that which we cling to so tightly. As long as we keep holding on to the anger, it is impossible to find peace. It's like a strong hold in our heart and letting go involves a healing process that can often take considerable time. The reality of the long healing process has been too often ignored.
Sometimes too, there are issues of trust. Just because we have chosen to not trust someone does not mean that we have not forgiven them. It is foolish to not do what is necessary to protect oneself from further harm and unfortunately, lack of trust will usually change the relationship, yet trust is something that must be earned and once it is broken, it must be earned back. This is not an issue of lack of forgiveness. It is simply the natural result of broken trust.
The last concept in this poem is the possible need for confrontation. If the person who has caused the pain is someone that we care about, it will probably be necessary to tell that person how we feel, yet this should not be done in anger. Sometimes we need to ask God for help in this one, because it is really hard to express deep hurt without including anger. Anger, though, only begets more anger and accomplishes nothing, just as the Bible says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1, NIV).
Another very important thing to remember is that it is only God who can truly change hearts. Just as it is God who can help us to let go of the anger, it is also God who can change the hearts of those who have hurt us, yet in order for this to happen, the other person also needs to turn to God for help and this is a healing process, so we need to be patient.
Lastly, and unfortunately, quite often we never do get the apology that we were hoping for. This is what makes forgiveness even more difficult and the trust may also never be restored. Sometimes there can even be a rift in the friendship that will never be healed, so the most unfortunate and sad reality is that sometimes the process of forgiveness can result not in reconciliation, but actually letting go, not only of the anger, but of the relationship as well, or perhaps of what you hoped the relationship could be. This is the part of the puzzle that I struggled with for so long and wasn't willing to accept.
7 comments:
Never thought much about it: seems there is acute anger..reaction to tipping over a gallon of paint on the living room carpet; and chronic or long-term anger..working for a hated boss.
Physiologically speaking, while there may be a cause, the reaction is hard on our system:
"the threshold for release of noradrenaline [the anger hormone] to psychological stimuli is generally higher than that of adrenaline [the fear hormone]" (Mayes 1979:37). 2. The amygdala of the limbic system plays a key role in the organization and expression of anger (LeDoux 1996)"
Akin to, but oblique from, the
Christian/spiritual concepts of
dealing with temper are a number of anger theories: evolutionary/
thalamic/James-Lang/Cognitive which are described here:
http://academics.tjhsst.edu/psych/oldPsych/anger/biology.htm
IMO, at its most basic, anger is the counterpoint to fear in the "fight or flight" dilemma...and like our other emotions may or may not be based on rationality.
Oh, what do you know?! Someone responded to this one. I was beginning to think that maybe it was a little deep for some people.
You know just a little bit about everything, don't you, BB? :) All I have to do is bring up a subject and you will tell me what more I need to study in order to do more to complete my education. Since my degree in Psychology is ages old, some additional reading just might be helpful. Thanks.
Our first reaction to anger is to vent and rant and wave, yet what's actually needed is for us to speak calmly to the one who has hurt us.
The reason why I was confused for so long over the subject of anger was because I was at times told that I should forgive and forget, when in reality, what was needed was some kind of a confrontation.
I felt falsely accused in a way because desiring to communicate in some way in order to restore something that's been lost is not the same as holding a grudge, so I don't really think that when I was accused of holding a grudge, that was even an accurate accusation, but as a child I was too foolish to know that, so I just did what I was told. The confrontation never happened and the anger was never fully resolved.
"You know just a little bit about everything, don't you, BB?"
..what, we have to know about something to discuss it? Yikes!!
I better re-read the rules. :)
I wouldn't worry too much, BB. I've found myself bending the rules a little at times. Though I'm not aware of any that you've broken. You're doing fine. :)
If you are looking for a little lighter subject to discuss, other than anger, I've been talking lately to Crian about our search for a new dog on the post entitled "Northern California Fire Stress and Our Lost Friend". It was written on June 30, if you want to find it that way, or it is the one currently on top, if you click on the "Our Dog - Casper" Label.
I was actually thinking of you when I was discussing the "Wolf like Face" that is possessed by some Samoyeds.
"I was actually thinking of you when I was discussing the "Wolf like Face" that is possessed by some Samoyeds." Huh. More often,
people think of me when they are discussing English Bulldog-like faces. :) I shall move over to that thread and offer opinion of little or no help....
Hahaha! Did you know that you often make me laugh, BB, and I don't always even tell you so. Sometimes I just crack of slight smile and than go on with whatever we're discussing.
As to feeling the need to have expertize in order to discuss the subject of anger, well, it's a subject that can also be discussed based on personal experience. We aren't in competition. Any input at all is Ok.
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